Thankful for Me

A couple of months ago I heard a radio host ask what is the best thing about ourselves. I realized in that moment that it can become entirely too easy to focus on the things that aren’t so great. And those are the things that we spend our time, money and energy on. We pray “God fix this… Help me with…”.  We invest in courses, read books and join groups to help us fix what’s wrong. Now I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with becoming a better version of yourself or strengthening areas of weakness. But what would happen if we temporarily exchanged our “fix-it” mentality for a “thankful for it” outlook?

This month is when our focus is on Thanksgiving. Many of us gather with family and friends and list off the things we are grateful for: life, family, food, clothes, housing, etc. How many times have you just had a moment of gratitude for who and how you are? Have you ever dared to thank your creator for all of the good things about yourself? Even further, have you ever been bold enough to offer the good parts of yourself back to Him for His use? Changing your prayer from “Lord, this is broken, fix it soon. Amen” to “Lord I am grateful for the gift of a beautiful smile. May you be pleased with use of my smile as I encounter people today.”

I know it seems almost too simple, but imagine hearing all of the good things you’ve done listed off. To a creator, seeing your hard work is a great reward.  We’ve talked about Bliss Lists in relationships, but what about a Gratitude List for self and all of the things that make you wonderful.

Take some time today and list out ALL of the things that make you amazing. What are the things about yourself that you’re grateful for? Maybe you’re resilient, creative and kind. Perhaps you have a keen business sense, mathematical mind or a knack for organizing chaos. Take that list and create a Prayer of Thanksgiving for all of the things that make you, YOU.

Setting Client Expectations & Boundaries

Working for a corporation there are already rules in place for how business is done. However, in working for self, you are the one responsible for setting said rules. As an entrepreneur, setting clear expectations and boundaries with clients is the primary way to eliminate misunderstandings and stress. This is something that I have struggled with in the past, especially if the client was a friend or family member. I thought it would be great to share what I’ve learned thus far.

1.       Set expectations up front. It is very important that you speak with your clients about their expectations of you. Likewise, you should share your expectations of them as a client. These expectations should cover things like when and how you will communicate. Your expectations should also include payment terms and deadlines. Setting these expectations up front will mitigate the challenges that arise with uncommunicated and unmet expectations.

2.       Define a beginning and end. When setting up your work with a client, it is important that you identify a specific beginning and ending. We will begin the project on specific date. The project will be considered complete on a specific date or once specific deliverable has been completed. Doing this eliminates lingering projects and frees up your time for additional project work later.

3.       Use the word “No”. Somehow, we have gained the notion that saying no in business is bad. We over extend ourselves or commit to things that we really had no interest in or business doing in the first place. Many times the frustrations that come with our client interactions could have been avoided altogether with a simple no. 

4.       Accept that you may not be able to work with everyone. Yes, you want to help your cousin. Yes, your cousin needs the help. No, you may not be the best source of assistance for your cousin. Be okay with knowing that your family and friends may not be your clients. Also recognize that you are not for everyone and everyone is not for you. Recognizing this helps you to stay in your lane and keep your personal relationships intact.

I will admit, these did not come easy or quickly for me. In fact, I continue to evolve in these areas. I have to define what the boundaries are that serve the contexts of my work and desired outcomes. What I have realized is that I offer better customer service and have more productive outcomes for my clients when the boundaries and expectations are clear.

How do you set expectations and boundaries with your clients?

Mommy Balance: 5 Tips to Mom Better

Being a Mom is hard. There, I said it.  Not only is it hard but it literally influences everything you do.  Every decision that you make is filtered through the lens of motherhood (even if unintentionally). Don’t believe me? Let’s see.  If you’re a mom I’d bet you have had one, if not all, of these thoughts at some point:

·         Can’t be too loud having sex, it’ll wake the baby.

·         How far is the daycare/kids’ school in relation to this job?

·         If I go out late with friends tonight, how early will I have to be up early with kids tomorrow?

·         I wish that I could wear that outfit, but I can’t since I’ll have the baby with me.

·         Such and such would be great for dinner but I’d still have to make something different for the kids to enjoy.

I could probably go on or ask you to join it adding to the list. But I won’t instead, I’ll chat a bit about the mom balance. I’ve maintained that when it comes to life, there’s really no such thing as balance. It’s all a mash-up and whatever is pressing most at any given time is what gets the attention. (For example, even if we are at work and get a call from the school, our body is present at work but our minds automatically shift to what’s happening with the child.) It’s been a few months since I left “corporate” and that puts me in a place of regularly being hyper focused on the children. Therefore, I have had to take a more intentional and active role in not letting the mom side of things consistently dominate every aspect of my life. And to be honest, I think I’m better for it.

Here are 5 things that I do to maintain my mojo as a mommy:

1.       Be strategic about the activities that the children participate in (ultimately, I’m the one that’s going to have to drive them there).

2.       Carve out individual time with both of my children.

3.       Connect with other moms with children of similar ages.

4.       Play!

5.       Ask for help and take breaks.

Cuffing & Committed

It’s cuffing season. Yes, it’s a thing. And yes, I indulged in my single life. Honestly, it was my hubby that I’d get cozy with during the colder months. But once you’re married, is cuffing still a thing? I think that I’ve shared before that forever seems like a really long time, but taking it one day at a time helps us get there. I am a firm believer that the same thing it took to get your spouse is the same thing (and more) that it will take to maintain the relationship. As I looked online, there are a number of resources and diagrams about cuffing season and how to prep and survive. I thought I’d add my two cents on cozying up to your long-term partner.

1.       Dress the Part – During cuffing season, everyone is trying to look their best. Ladies are rocking their boots and guys are getting their #beardgame strong. Unfortunately, when we’re married it becomes easy to fall into the mundane, “take me as I am”, “he knows what I look like”, “this is my everyday mom uniform”. So I am challenging myself, and you, to look the part during this cuffing season. Remind him of one of the reasons why he stopped and cuddled up in the first place.

2.       Create a Playlist – Years ago there were a few playlists created just for cuffing season. (I know I laughed too.) But really music is the soundtrack of life and there is nothing better than feel good music to keep the twinkle in your eyes shining bright. Whether you create one together or one that sets you up to be in the mood for cozying up, make a list. I’m adding Tank’s Savage to my line up.

3.       Plan & Do Something – Break up the monotony of your daily relationship routine by seeking, planning and DOING something fun over the next few months. Part of the fun in cuffing when single was exploring new things with your partner. Make your dates different, try something new. Shared, new experiences have been proven to deepen relationships. We already have a concert on our upcoming list (now to find a babysitter!).

How will you cozy up to your spouse during this cuffing season?

Maintaining Me: A Checklist for Self-Care

The last few weeks have been overwhelming to say the least. I’ve found myself rocking in anxiety both due to internal and external factors. As I began to get my bearings together I have been reminded of the necessity of maintaining me. There are certain things that I must do to ensure my well-being prior to juggling all of the other things that I am responsible for.

Yesterday, I heard someone saying that we as individuals must make sure that we are getting our regular maintenance, like cars. And I began to think about what that maintenance would look like for me. Ironically enough when I opened my planner to grab today’s post topic, it was on Maintaining Me. Maybe not so ironic as it is divine. 😊 

The end of the year is rapidly approaching so the time for maintenance

Here’s my 10-point maintenance checklist:

·         What is my general mood and disposition lately?

·         When was the last time I had scheduled, uninterrupted me time?

·         When was the last time I did a personal Bible study?

·         When was the last time I connected with hubby without the kids?

·         When was the last time I connected with family and friends, outside of the context of obligations?

·         What was the last thing I did for self-improvement and the pursuit of higher knowledge?

·         How long has it been since I unplugged from social media and connected with real people?

·         What was the last hobby or personal interest I’ve pursued?

·         When was my most recent physical activity?

·         Where have I been outside my daily travel route?

When I have a hard time remembering or there has been a long time has passed, I know that that particular area likely needs maintenance. It may in fact already be broken. What is your maintenance routine? What would you add to this checklist?

3 Things I Learned Working with My Mate

Earlier this month, I accepted a freelance writing project from the Hubby. For years I’d been saying we should work together, let me work for you, how can I help you in your entrepreneurial endeavors – and none of those things panned out. However, this time, what he needed was exactly in my wheelhouse. Before I continue, let me put a few things out there: 1- I KNOW he’s an incredible business man (he closes million-dollar deals regularly); 2- Both of us have Masters in Business so we know our stuff; 3 – Our perspectives on business are very much shaped by our own personal experiences (me – education, arts, nonprofit; him – entertainment, corporate). In all of that, I still learned a few things in my encounter with him.

1.       Setting clear expectations to begin with eliminates heartache. In working with my spouse I think the pressure was on to perform well. That’s hard when it’s arbitrary. We started our work together with clear expectations on the project.  Some of the language that was used in our conversations:

a.       This is what needs to be done by this particular date.

b.       When it is completed, I expect the finished product to be…

c.       I will provide updates on the project at the following intervals...

d.       I need your attention to the following details for finalization…

And it worked! Yes, it was formal, but it worked so much better that way. It really was black and white for us.

2.       I am worth my rate. He asked me how much the project would be up front. I told him my typical rate and payment terms, and he didn’t bat an eye. He didn’t ask for a family discount or payment plan. In his eyes, business is business. That spoke volumes to me! Moreover, when the project was completed, I didn’t have to resend an invoice, ask or throw hints. He paid me!

3.       I have to know and respect my limitations. At the end of the project potential for more work came through him. However, that next project would have demanded more of my attention and require us to work a little more closely with him and his client. I had to respectfully decline the offer and provide an alternative resource for him to consider. Guess what? That worked too! There were no hard feelings and more work will come.

Now these may not seem like big deals to you, but they were major to me. It allowed me to see my spouse in the way that others see him. As well, it allowed him to see the back and front end of the way that I do business. As a result, I think that we have better understanding of one another. I can appreciate the work he does from another angle and vice versa.

Have you worked with your spouse or another close family member? What was your experience?

Talking Black

Parenting is a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be. Add the current socio-political climate, and it's downright cringeworthy and complicated.

During my pregnancy last year I cried many tears after learning I was carrying my son not for any other reason than knowing life for him would be hard on the outside of me and all I could do was prepare him. I'd been able skate by raising our daughter in a very diverse manner and even attempted the risk of making her "color blind". How silly of me! Neither she nor my son can afford that disservice on account of my comfort, or lack thereof. I turned to some in my network and asked some things about parenting black kids in America right now. Here are some of the things they shared:

Raising Black kids in America is…

·         Scary

·         Potentially deadly with no retribution

·         Emotional - the emotion of pride and fear of retaliation towards your child.

·         A blessing but also a full-time job because you have to teach them things you never in your wildest dreams thought you would need to teach in 2017.

·         What keeps us honest and alert about our past and uncompromising for the promise of their future.

But how does one talk to their children about celebrating blackness and welcoming diversity when the world is screaming division, hatred and prejudice? How do we share harsh, cruel realities without crushing their existence, aspirations for greatness and tainting their innocence? More importantly, how do we share the truth in love without creating a breeding ground of fear?

Audio by Nina Simone performing To Be Young, Gifted and Black. (C) 2013 Sony Music Entertainment

I haven't mastered talking with my kids but here are a few tips I've found to be helpful in talking with our beloved babies about Blackness and diversity:

1.       Be honest and truthful. Our kids can’t afford to not know the truth and its potential impacts on them (positive and negative).

2.       Don't hide your emotions. But don't let your emotions overwhelm the conversations either. Our children deserve to see how emotions work and to learn how to process and express theirs in a healthy way.

3.       Read. As a writer, former teacher and mom, I find books to be an amazing springboard for conversations, especially on difficult topics.

4.       Expose them to opportunities. Whenever possible, expose children to a variety of opportunities. Take them to places where Black excellence is full-throttle. Show them spaces “of privilege” where they might be the ONLY one.

5.       Be proud and self-confident. We are our babies’ first teachers. How can we instill a sense of pride, confidence and belonging, when we fail to recognize and accept it within ourselves.

I'd love to hear your ways of discussing Blackness and diversity with your kids. 

I do not own the rights to this music or video.

Maintaining Us

To say that it has been crazy in our world would probably be the understatement of the year. Hubby and I have welcomed a new baby, transitioned me from full-time work outside of the home and our oldest started kindergarten. Needless to say figuring it all out has been a major challenge. Yes, there has been a strain on our routine, there’s been an impact on our finances, but the greatest aftershocks have been felt in how all of these changes affect our relationship.  Our relationship has never been easy, but it was very predictable. Now it seems scattered and tired – in a constant state of surviving. After deciding that this was not the way we wanted, or could stand, to live we’re working diligently to maintain us. Here are of the things we’ve done recently to help us stay the course:

1.       Schedule weekly down time. We come and go. We work hard. We’ve started carving out time each Monday night to watch a half hour show together. (Currently, Insecure is everything.) We put the kids to bed, grab a drink/snacks, turn off the phones and just watch tv. It sounds insanely simple, because it is. But it is so good for us. It gives us a chance to press pause on our hectic lives and responsibilities without the pressure of making it a big deal. We always close the show with a conversation before jumping back into our routines. It’s only about an hour, but it’s ours.

2.       Get out of the house! When we were married we chatted of fears about growing old sitting on the couch. Then we had kids and found ourselves sitting on the couch and dozing off. This became the norm because either because it was too much trouble to pack babies and their necessities or we were too exhausted from the earlier days and weeks of effort. Now we GO! I update the family calendar with possible activities and keep a running list in my head of kid friendly restaurants (with good drinks). And although we have hired babysitters before so that we can sleep, we have become very intentional about making and scheduling dates outside of the house too.

3.       No kid talk. When we go on dates or have “us time”. We do not talk about the kids! They can’t consume our entire existence and the context of our relationship. There are plenty of other hours in the day when you can tackle parenting and swap funny stories.

Rooftop Fun #NoKidZone

4.       Use first names. As Mommy and Daddy, we spend a lot of time in that capacity – we call each other that when speaking to the kids. The kids’ friends call us Z’s mom. Our families say “take this to your Mom; ask your dad about that”.  So when it’s just us we try to use our first names. It signals to each of us that we still recognize and connect with the individual.

5.       Laugh. Stress will eat away at happiness and before long you wake up and wonder when was the last time we laughed TOGETHER. We’ve been adding the humor back to our relationship, whether a ridiculous meme on social media or some crazy story we need  gut-jumping laughter in our marriage.

Maintaining us takes being intentional and somewhat selfish. Our family started with just us. Our kids will grow up one day and again it’ll be just us. I’d like to know him and LIKE him then too. How are you and your mate maintaining your relationship with all of life’s changes and responsibilities?

That's What I Like

I really do love the song “That’s What I Like” by Bruno Mars. It’s sexy and fun – both ways that I distantly view myself. However, I must be honest in sharing that over the years, I’ve lost touch with what I like, sexy, fun or otherwise.

My aunt says it this way “We don’t know what we like; we like what we know” and I think it’s so true. Growing up, I liked (and disliked) the things my mother told me. To give you an idea: we liked Heinz ketchup, not Hunts. And we did not like black purses with white stitching. Since her passing, I’ve become a wife and learned to like some things for him. I’ve become a mother and learned to like some things for them. So when I get a few extra dollars or moments to myself it’s often hard to determine what I like or want to do with that time or space. I’ll be honest and say most time the money goes to something for the kids and the time is spent catching a nap or tidying something up.

What I am learning through countless observations and conversations is that it is important to know what we like for ourselves. And more importantly, it’s necessary not to feel bad about liking something for ourselves. As women, we are often taught to take the role of accommodating others; we compromise even at the expense of our own needs and happiness. The result of this warped approach is frustration and unfulfillment in many areas: sex, love, work, friendships, and life as a whole.

If you’re like me it may have been a while since anyone asked you what YOU like. Today, I want you to think about the things that you like. What do you like? (Say it out loud and drop a comment below.) Are they regular fixtures in your life? Have you changed your mind on the things that you like? That’s ok too you know. 😊

Here’s my short list of (today’s) likes: candles, mugs, journals, shoes and wine. I like scarves and honey kisses and hugs (from my hubs). I like books and snacks. I like love music and romantic comedies.

Erupting to Be Me

I spent a lot of time trapped behind the labels and expectations that others put on me and the ones I snatched and attached in an effort to fit in. I created the appropriate characters to match the circumstances and situations that I faced. Over time the sculptures I’d built began to crack. At times when it rained, the essence of who I really was underneath it all began to seep out. Soon the pressure of holding it all in became too great, and I erupted. Because I had not reverenced the power of eruption and braced for impact, my eruption was devastating rather than beautiful.

As I began to sort through the damage, I found the pressure had produced some beautiful remains. Though fragmented, they were still beautiful and useful. There I lay in a pile of steaming rubble, oozing greatness and vibrant color.  I could create a work of art from the pieces of me. But I would have to act fast to capture the radiance. If not, I would dry, harden and lose my color.

I took snapshots and journaled as a way of preserving the memories. The intensity was sometimes lost, but the impact was everlasting. I wasn’t extinct, just dormant. It took the shifting and the build for me to flow freely. I am now seen and understood as a wonder. I know how to position myself so that I am not decimated with each eruption. Instead I set up camp at a distance to capture them in all of their glory.

No longer an unpredictable disaster, what you see of me today is an active monument full of splendor.