Move Down Front

We all know the story of Rosa Parks and her refusal to move her tired feet one more step to the back of the bus. So I’m not going to repeat it here. But what I will do is take a moment to acknowledge how easy it is to grow accustomed to being in the back that when opportunities to hit the front arise, they’re missed.

Usually I sit at the back or on the sides of large gatherings for many reasons but mainly – kids and bathroom. I have my children with me probably 85% of most things that I do so I’m constantly wrangling, shushing and entertaining while trying to glean experiences (church, meetings, dinner, etc). As for the bathroom, well I have two kids, and my moms out there you already know what carrying babies in your body does to one’s bladder, so there’s that.

Last week I attended a leadership and entrepreneurs’ conference. I didn’t have my kids with me; I’d avoided having a lot to drink for the morning so I decided to move up in the room. Not to the front but certainly closer than my usual perch. One of the other attendees looked at me and said, “I’m going to the front. Come on.” I was hesitant, but really there was nothing holding me back except fear, fear of being seen; fear of being held responsible for the view and things that I learned there down front.

Mind you, I’ve always been a bit skeptical of people that show up places late demanding a seat in the front. I’m thinking what makes you so special to head down there late, but maybe I should be asking the other way, why are there still open seats in the front? Shouldn’t we all want to be closer to the flames? Don’t we all deserve an opportunity and access? What does it say about us when we don’t move down front?

On that day, moving down front was just the start of moving outside of my comfort zone. As a result of taking multiple steps different than my normal path, I was rewarded at a greater level than I’d ever experienced. So today I want to you to make a decision to move down front. Is there an area of life where you’ve been sitting in the back for far too long? Drop a comment below. It’s time to move down front in 2018.

Just 10 Minutes to Connect with Your Spouse

The holidays come fast and furious from work, to family to everything else in between. We find ourselves in close quarters with our spouses because suddenly we have time off. Or we’re the opposite and find ourselves detached working overtime trying to close out the year or running to complete tasks for holiday commitments. Regardless of your positioning, it is imperative that you take 10 minutes per day to connect with your spouse in the haste and hurry of the holidays. Here are some things to try:

1.       Send a text or message (not related to tasks/honey do lists).

2.       Write a quick gratitude list.

3.       Dance to your favorite holiday tunes.

4.       Share a devotional.

5.       Watch a television show, YouTube video or quirky commercial. Shower together (that’s uninterrupted talk time AND you’re getting clean, because efficiency).

6.       Walk or ride around the neighborhood.

What’s on your list?

Relational Gratitude

As time passes, it’s easy to become content in where you are and what you have. I find this to be especially true in marriage. As we enter the season of Thanksgiving and holiday celebration, I try to be mindful of this, not just from the perspective of “happy to have him” but really from the place of growth and experience together. I try to focus in on the little things that I am grateful for regarding my relationship with my husband. I work towards being especially mindful of the things that I may overlook or take for granted on a regular basis. This allows me to serve, prepare and engage in the season from a place of love and gratitude.

Many years ago, before we were married, he asked me to take one of my off days during the week of Thanksgiving to help his mother prep for the holiday. I was NOT interested, for many reasons. But I did it because he asked me to. The day turned out better than I anticipated if for no other reason than the joy and gratitude that he expressed for me taking that time with his mom.

What I’m learning more and more is that when there is a foundation of genuine gratitude and appreciation, relationships thrive. Yes, love is important, but it’s not the whole. Thanksgiving says “I see you”, “I recognize your efforts”, “I appreciate your engagement”. Nothing says love like a great big “Thank You”.

When was the last time that you expressed gratitude and thanksgiving to and for your spouse?

Cuffing & Committed

It’s cuffing season. Yes, it’s a thing. And yes, I indulged in my single life. Honestly, it was my hubby that I’d get cozy with during the colder months. But once you’re married, is cuffing still a thing? I think that I’ve shared before that forever seems like a really long time, but taking it one day at a time helps us get there. I am a firm believer that the same thing it took to get your spouse is the same thing (and more) that it will take to maintain the relationship. As I looked online, there are a number of resources and diagrams about cuffing season and how to prep and survive. I thought I’d add my two cents on cozying up to your long-term partner.

1.       Dress the Part – During cuffing season, everyone is trying to look their best. Ladies are rocking their boots and guys are getting their #beardgame strong. Unfortunately, when we’re married it becomes easy to fall into the mundane, “take me as I am”, “he knows what I look like”, “this is my everyday mom uniform”. So I am challenging myself, and you, to look the part during this cuffing season. Remind him of one of the reasons why he stopped and cuddled up in the first place.

2.       Create a Playlist – Years ago there were a few playlists created just for cuffing season. (I know I laughed too.) But really music is the soundtrack of life and there is nothing better than feel good music to keep the twinkle in your eyes shining bright. Whether you create one together or one that sets you up to be in the mood for cozying up, make a list. I’m adding Tank’s Savage to my line up.

3.       Plan & Do Something – Break up the monotony of your daily relationship routine by seeking, planning and DOING something fun over the next few months. Part of the fun in cuffing when single was exploring new things with your partner. Make your dates different, try something new. Shared, new experiences have been proven to deepen relationships. We already have a concert on our upcoming list (now to find a babysitter!).

How will you cozy up to your spouse during this cuffing season?

3 Things I Learned Working with My Mate

Earlier this month, I accepted a freelance writing project from the Hubby. For years I’d been saying we should work together, let me work for you, how can I help you in your entrepreneurial endeavors – and none of those things panned out. However, this time, what he needed was exactly in my wheelhouse. Before I continue, let me put a few things out there: 1- I KNOW he’s an incredible business man (he closes million-dollar deals regularly); 2- Both of us have Masters in Business so we know our stuff; 3 – Our perspectives on business are very much shaped by our own personal experiences (me – education, arts, nonprofit; him – entertainment, corporate). In all of that, I still learned a few things in my encounter with him.

1.       Setting clear expectations to begin with eliminates heartache. In working with my spouse I think the pressure was on to perform well. That’s hard when it’s arbitrary. We started our work together with clear expectations on the project.  Some of the language that was used in our conversations:

a.       This is what needs to be done by this particular date.

b.       When it is completed, I expect the finished product to be…

c.       I will provide updates on the project at the following intervals...

d.       I need your attention to the following details for finalization…

And it worked! Yes, it was formal, but it worked so much better that way. It really was black and white for us.

2.       I am worth my rate. He asked me how much the project would be up front. I told him my typical rate and payment terms, and he didn’t bat an eye. He didn’t ask for a family discount or payment plan. In his eyes, business is business. That spoke volumes to me! Moreover, when the project was completed, I didn’t have to resend an invoice, ask or throw hints. He paid me!

3.       I have to know and respect my limitations. At the end of the project potential for more work came through him. However, that next project would have demanded more of my attention and require us to work a little more closely with him and his client. I had to respectfully decline the offer and provide an alternative resource for him to consider. Guess what? That worked too! There were no hard feelings and more work will come.

Now these may not seem like big deals to you, but they were major to me. It allowed me to see my spouse in the way that others see him. As well, it allowed him to see the back and front end of the way that I do business. As a result, I think that we have better understanding of one another. I can appreciate the work he does from another angle and vice versa.

Have you worked with your spouse or another close family member? What was your experience?

Maintaining Us

To say that it has been crazy in our world would probably be the understatement of the year. Hubby and I have welcomed a new baby, transitioned me from full-time work outside of the home and our oldest started kindergarten. Needless to say figuring it all out has been a major challenge. Yes, there has been a strain on our routine, there’s been an impact on our finances, but the greatest aftershocks have been felt in how all of these changes affect our relationship.  Our relationship has never been easy, but it was very predictable. Now it seems scattered and tired – in a constant state of surviving. After deciding that this was not the way we wanted, or could stand, to live we’re working diligently to maintain us. Here are of the things we’ve done recently to help us stay the course:

1.       Schedule weekly down time. We come and go. We work hard. We’ve started carving out time each Monday night to watch a half hour show together. (Currently, Insecure is everything.) We put the kids to bed, grab a drink/snacks, turn off the phones and just watch tv. It sounds insanely simple, because it is. But it is so good for us. It gives us a chance to press pause on our hectic lives and responsibilities without the pressure of making it a big deal. We always close the show with a conversation before jumping back into our routines. It’s only about an hour, but it’s ours.

2.       Get out of the house! When we were married we chatted of fears about growing old sitting on the couch. Then we had kids and found ourselves sitting on the couch and dozing off. This became the norm because either because it was too much trouble to pack babies and their necessities or we were too exhausted from the earlier days and weeks of effort. Now we GO! I update the family calendar with possible activities and keep a running list in my head of kid friendly restaurants (with good drinks). And although we have hired babysitters before so that we can sleep, we have become very intentional about making and scheduling dates outside of the house too.

3.       No kid talk. When we go on dates or have “us time”. We do not talk about the kids! They can’t consume our entire existence and the context of our relationship. There are plenty of other hours in the day when you can tackle parenting and swap funny stories.

Rooftop Fun #NoKidZone

4.       Use first names. As Mommy and Daddy, we spend a lot of time in that capacity – we call each other that when speaking to the kids. The kids’ friends call us Z’s mom. Our families say “take this to your Mom; ask your dad about that”.  So when it’s just us we try to use our first names. It signals to each of us that we still recognize and connect with the individual.

5.       Laugh. Stress will eat away at happiness and before long you wake up and wonder when was the last time we laughed TOGETHER. We’ve been adding the humor back to our relationship, whether a ridiculous meme on social media or some crazy story we need  gut-jumping laughter in our marriage.

Maintaining us takes being intentional and somewhat selfish. Our family started with just us. Our kids will grow up one day and again it’ll be just us. I’d like to know him and LIKE him then too. How are you and your mate maintaining your relationship with all of life’s changes and responsibilities?

10 Ways to Leave a Legacy with Your Spouse

Some people will tell you that marriage is about love. I challenge that notion severely. Marriage is about commitment – to your word, each other and your cause. In many ways marriage can be seen as a business, very similar to a corporate merger. As corporations grow, the leadership put together succession and scalability plans. Our succession and scalability as couples lie in our ability to leave a legacy, whether for our children, family or community. Often times that word ‘legacy’ seems really daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are 10 ways that you and your spouse can begin building your legacy:

1.       Provide a family history. Help the generations behind you know where they came from, even if the tree starts with you two due to unknowns beyond your control.

2.       Start a savings account for your children. College costs. Starting a business costs. Traveling costs. Moving out of your house costs. Everything costs. Don’t make them start from scratch.

3.       Give the gift of financial literacy. Talk to your children (and family/community) about finances, early on.  If they’re older, talk them about it NOW!

4.       Secure life insurance for yourself – and I’m not talking about just enough to cover the funeral expenses. You don’t have to be selfish unto death! Leave a little extra money for those that are mourning your loss. After all, they’re likely going to have to suffer through planning your celebration of life AND deal with all the random drama that arises when people die.

5.       Buy property. No, not shoes and clothes. Actual property, land, something with a deed that appreciates in value. Trust me, your loved ones will appreciate you for it later (unless of course you fail to leave your paperwork in order and the property has to be probated but that’s a different blog for a different day).

6.       Purchase stocks and bonds that can be passed down and later cashed in.

7.       Sponsor a community event annually. Partner with a local organization and put your money and name where your mouth is if need be.

8.       Donate books and resources to a local community center. Make it a regular show of support.

9.       Create a scholarship fund in your name at your local high school. You can maintain $250 a year skip eating out once every other week and it’s done! It doesn’t have to be much, just enough to make a difference and start leaving a legacy.

10.   Become a mentor. Don’t keep all your knowledge to yourself. Spend time with someone. Influence them to know better, do better, be better. Encourage them to return the favor and keep giving the gift of mentorship.

As a couple, you’re here to do more than just keep each other warm. You came together to do something, so do it! Leaving a legacy doesn’t have to be difficult. Start small and snowball it into something larger.  You’ve got this! Now go, be great as a couple!

Love Bank Activity: Bliss List

We each have a love bank. Similar to an actual bank account it requires regular deposits to grow. If the withdrawals exceed the deposit amounts we are left empty and often with other consequences. In order to avoid these deficits in our relationships, it is necessary to make consistent deposits into our mate’s love bank. Likewise, we are also responsible for making deposits into our own love banks. The Bliss List covers both.

The Bliss List concept is a two-fold deposit. It credits your mate for deposits while also giving you something to draw from as well. The Bliss List is simple and executed just as the name implies. Make a list of all of the blissful moments you’ve had with your mate. If the thought of it makes you smile, no matter how small, add it! With this exercise you’ll realize (hopefully) that there are more occurrences of joy than you may typically give credit for. The Bliss List offers perspective and illuminates things that we may take for granted. For instance, my Bliss List includes something as monumental as the time Babe drove 3 hours to spend the last hour of a day with me. But it also includes something as simple as us confessing that we’ve used each other’s deodorant before. (I’m smiling extra hard at that one. LOL.)  The Bliss List should celebrate the goodness of your partner and highlight the joy you feel when you all are engaged with one another.

Your Bliss List is a growing document. Set aside time to add to it. You may do this once a year on a special anniversary, quarterly or monthly. In fact, you may be one of those people with the capacity to keep it regularly updated as things happen – If that’s the case, go you! Whatever your approach, just be sure to find your Bliss List rhythm and make it work for you.

Now that you have your Bliss List put together here are a few ways to put it to good use.

1.       Anniversary Reading – Each anniversary sit down with your mate and read through the list. Or if you’re like me, read the list alone. I read the list alone and remind myself of why I’m happy to be connected to Babe.

2.       Fire Extinguisher – Intense moments of fellowship are inevitable. When your love bank account has taken a hit from a major (or minor) encounter, take some time to reset. Read a few items off of your list until you get to a place of feeling more positive and replenished.

3.       Looking Ahead – Undoubtedly you and your Honey have built an arsenal of memories. Look at your list and determine which items and experiences you’d like to recreate. Do any of your encounters spark an idea of something to try in the future? Go for it.

4.       Just Because – We are bombarded with messaging, positive and negative, throughout our daily lives. Take a moment to intentionally reconnect by sharing an item from your Bliss List unexpectedly. This periodic check-in will serve as a simple, yet thoughtful, indicator to your mate that you don’t take them and the life you’re sharing for granted.