Just 10 Minutes to Connect with Your Spouse

The holidays come fast and furious from work, to family to everything else in between. We find ourselves in close quarters with our spouses because suddenly we have time off. Or we’re the opposite and find ourselves detached working overtime trying to close out the year or running to complete tasks for holiday commitments. Regardless of your positioning, it is imperative that you take 10 minutes per day to connect with your spouse in the haste and hurry of the holidays. Here are some things to try:

1.       Send a text or message (not related to tasks/honey do lists).

2.       Write a quick gratitude list.

3.       Dance to your favorite holiday tunes.

4.       Share a devotional.

5.       Watch a television show, YouTube video or quirky commercial. Shower together (that’s uninterrupted talk time AND you’re getting clean, because efficiency).

6.       Walk or ride around the neighborhood.

What’s on your list?

Cuffing & Committed

It’s cuffing season. Yes, it’s a thing. And yes, I indulged in my single life. Honestly, it was my hubby that I’d get cozy with during the colder months. But once you’re married, is cuffing still a thing? I think that I’ve shared before that forever seems like a really long time, but taking it one day at a time helps us get there. I am a firm believer that the same thing it took to get your spouse is the same thing (and more) that it will take to maintain the relationship. As I looked online, there are a number of resources and diagrams about cuffing season and how to prep and survive. I thought I’d add my two cents on cozying up to your long-term partner.

1.       Dress the Part – During cuffing season, everyone is trying to look their best. Ladies are rocking their boots and guys are getting their #beardgame strong. Unfortunately, when we’re married it becomes easy to fall into the mundane, “take me as I am”, “he knows what I look like”, “this is my everyday mom uniform”. So I am challenging myself, and you, to look the part during this cuffing season. Remind him of one of the reasons why he stopped and cuddled up in the first place.

2.       Create a Playlist – Years ago there were a few playlists created just for cuffing season. (I know I laughed too.) But really music is the soundtrack of life and there is nothing better than feel good music to keep the twinkle in your eyes shining bright. Whether you create one together or one that sets you up to be in the mood for cozying up, make a list. I’m adding Tank’s Savage to my line up.

3.       Plan & Do Something – Break up the monotony of your daily relationship routine by seeking, planning and DOING something fun over the next few months. Part of the fun in cuffing when single was exploring new things with your partner. Make your dates different, try something new. Shared, new experiences have been proven to deepen relationships. We already have a concert on our upcoming list (now to find a babysitter!).

How will you cozy up to your spouse during this cuffing season?

3 Things I Learned Working with My Mate

Earlier this month, I accepted a freelance writing project from the Hubby. For years I’d been saying we should work together, let me work for you, how can I help you in your entrepreneurial endeavors – and none of those things panned out. However, this time, what he needed was exactly in my wheelhouse. Before I continue, let me put a few things out there: 1- I KNOW he’s an incredible business man (he closes million-dollar deals regularly); 2- Both of us have Masters in Business so we know our stuff; 3 – Our perspectives on business are very much shaped by our own personal experiences (me – education, arts, nonprofit; him – entertainment, corporate). In all of that, I still learned a few things in my encounter with him.

1.       Setting clear expectations to begin with eliminates heartache. In working with my spouse I think the pressure was on to perform well. That’s hard when it’s arbitrary. We started our work together with clear expectations on the project.  Some of the language that was used in our conversations:

a.       This is what needs to be done by this particular date.

b.       When it is completed, I expect the finished product to be…

c.       I will provide updates on the project at the following intervals...

d.       I need your attention to the following details for finalization…

And it worked! Yes, it was formal, but it worked so much better that way. It really was black and white for us.

2.       I am worth my rate. He asked me how much the project would be up front. I told him my typical rate and payment terms, and he didn’t bat an eye. He didn’t ask for a family discount or payment plan. In his eyes, business is business. That spoke volumes to me! Moreover, when the project was completed, I didn’t have to resend an invoice, ask or throw hints. He paid me!

3.       I have to know and respect my limitations. At the end of the project potential for more work came through him. However, that next project would have demanded more of my attention and require us to work a little more closely with him and his client. I had to respectfully decline the offer and provide an alternative resource for him to consider. Guess what? That worked too! There were no hard feelings and more work will come.

Now these may not seem like big deals to you, but they were major to me. It allowed me to see my spouse in the way that others see him. As well, it allowed him to see the back and front end of the way that I do business. As a result, I think that we have better understanding of one another. I can appreciate the work he does from another angle and vice versa.

Have you worked with your spouse or another close family member? What was your experience?

Maintaining Us

To say that it has been crazy in our world would probably be the understatement of the year. Hubby and I have welcomed a new baby, transitioned me from full-time work outside of the home and our oldest started kindergarten. Needless to say figuring it all out has been a major challenge. Yes, there has been a strain on our routine, there’s been an impact on our finances, but the greatest aftershocks have been felt in how all of these changes affect our relationship.  Our relationship has never been easy, but it was very predictable. Now it seems scattered and tired – in a constant state of surviving. After deciding that this was not the way we wanted, or could stand, to live we’re working diligently to maintain us. Here are of the things we’ve done recently to help us stay the course:

1.       Schedule weekly down time. We come and go. We work hard. We’ve started carving out time each Monday night to watch a half hour show together. (Currently, Insecure is everything.) We put the kids to bed, grab a drink/snacks, turn off the phones and just watch tv. It sounds insanely simple, because it is. But it is so good for us. It gives us a chance to press pause on our hectic lives and responsibilities without the pressure of making it a big deal. We always close the show with a conversation before jumping back into our routines. It’s only about an hour, but it’s ours.

2.       Get out of the house! When we were married we chatted of fears about growing old sitting on the couch. Then we had kids and found ourselves sitting on the couch and dozing off. This became the norm because either because it was too much trouble to pack babies and their necessities or we were too exhausted from the earlier days and weeks of effort. Now we GO! I update the family calendar with possible activities and keep a running list in my head of kid friendly restaurants (with good drinks). And although we have hired babysitters before so that we can sleep, we have become very intentional about making and scheduling dates outside of the house too.

3.       No kid talk. When we go on dates or have “us time”. We do not talk about the kids! They can’t consume our entire existence and the context of our relationship. There are plenty of other hours in the day when you can tackle parenting and swap funny stories.

Rooftop Fun #NoKidZone

4.       Use first names. As Mommy and Daddy, we spend a lot of time in that capacity – we call each other that when speaking to the kids. The kids’ friends call us Z’s mom. Our families say “take this to your Mom; ask your dad about that”.  So when it’s just us we try to use our first names. It signals to each of us that we still recognize and connect with the individual.

5.       Laugh. Stress will eat away at happiness and before long you wake up and wonder when was the last time we laughed TOGETHER. We’ve been adding the humor back to our relationship, whether a ridiculous meme on social media or some crazy story we need  gut-jumping laughter in our marriage.

Maintaining us takes being intentional and somewhat selfish. Our family started with just us. Our kids will grow up one day and again it’ll be just us. I’d like to know him and LIKE him then too. How are you and your mate maintaining your relationship with all of life’s changes and responsibilities?

A Place to Belong

(Originally Penned October 2016)

A day or so ago I expressed to a friend that I was feeling insecure about my friendships changing again with the 2nd pregnancy because not many in my circle have kids, let alone two.

Last night I went to a gathering because I wanted/needed to be social. And I didn't fit in 1) I was exhausted, and 2) I had the kidlet with me so needed to check periodically on her. Between my frequent bathroom breaks, inability to sip wine and absence of voice I felt thoroughly out of place in a setting in which I once would have thrived. 

Then today I went to see my two best girlfriends and didn't fit there either. They're both enjoying a carefree lifestyle without the responsibility of kids. Because I had mine with me I had to cut my end of the hangout short in exchange for bedtimeroutine. Our conversations were censored and often interrupted. It felt forced.

Just yesterday I read a brilliantly penned article by a mom of two on her conclusion that being just a mom right now is enough. And I loved her truth and identified with her transparency. But if I'm honest with myself I have to say that it's not enough. It doesn't match who I am and what I need right now. It doesn't feel good. If it's this hard before number 2 arrives, I'm terrified of the after effects.

I've found temporary solace in the musings and occasional interactions with other parents in the world of social media. But bc it's not tangible, it doesn't seem real. 

So today I'm admittedly a wanderer and that's okay for now. I will stumble upon belonging if I just keep walking.

Words That Impact Marriages

When getting married our reasoning is usually something like “we’re really in love” or “we want to take our relationship to the next level”. However, once we cross over into marriage a couple of things are to be considered – (1) love is there, but it takes work to maintain those loving feelings and (2) marriage can be seen as the final stage of a relationship. Yes, we add children and later grandchildren, but the relationship between the two individuals, that’s it. Most of us get married aiming to not be with anyone else. We are partnering with the person that we hope to spend the rest of our lives with. [Can I take a transparency break and acknowledge how scary that commitment sounds to me considering that I intend to live a long life? Eek!] And in spending a lifetime with someone we become creatures of habit and live life in cycles. Our spouses are predictable and our lives become routine. We are talking to the same person day in and day out and those conversations follow a pattern. We wake in the morning and say “I love you”. We exchange the sentiment again as we part ways, and once more as we prepare to rest for the night. The in between is filled with chatter of our day, responsibilities and if we’re lucky, a bit of laughter and daydreaming too. But what if there was a way to create a brief marriage battery boost? I’m thinking along the lines of changing our dialogue to acknowledge, encourage and inspire our mates. A few words inserted to change the course of routine that remind them that they still do it for you and vice versa. Some phrases to insert into your marriage vocabulary beyond “I love you” are:

1.       Thank you.

2.       I support you.

3.       I trust you.

4.       I respect you.

5.       I appreciate you.

6.       I think you’re…

7.       You inspire me.

8.       You can…

9.       You are…

10.   I believe in you.

11.   I believe in your ability to…

12.   How can I help you accomplish…?

13.   What do you need from me today?

14.   I’m available to you.

15.   I feel most connected to you when…

16.   The last time we… it was…

17.   Your touch makes me feel…

18.   I’m attracted to your…

19.   I still want you.

20.   I still choose you.

Keep variety in your vocabulary so that the pulse of your love beats strong. May your voice ever be in the ear of your love, and not in the nagging way. 😉

Love Bank Activity: Bliss List

We each have a love bank. Similar to an actual bank account it requires regular deposits to grow. If the withdrawals exceed the deposit amounts we are left empty and often with other consequences. In order to avoid these deficits in our relationships, it is necessary to make consistent deposits into our mate’s love bank. Likewise, we are also responsible for making deposits into our own love banks. The Bliss List covers both.

The Bliss List concept is a two-fold deposit. It credits your mate for deposits while also giving you something to draw from as well. The Bliss List is simple and executed just as the name implies. Make a list of all of the blissful moments you’ve had with your mate. If the thought of it makes you smile, no matter how small, add it! With this exercise you’ll realize (hopefully) that there are more occurrences of joy than you may typically give credit for. The Bliss List offers perspective and illuminates things that we may take for granted. For instance, my Bliss List includes something as monumental as the time Babe drove 3 hours to spend the last hour of a day with me. But it also includes something as simple as us confessing that we’ve used each other’s deodorant before. (I’m smiling extra hard at that one. LOL.)  The Bliss List should celebrate the goodness of your partner and highlight the joy you feel when you all are engaged with one another.

Your Bliss List is a growing document. Set aside time to add to it. You may do this once a year on a special anniversary, quarterly or monthly. In fact, you may be one of those people with the capacity to keep it regularly updated as things happen – If that’s the case, go you! Whatever your approach, just be sure to find your Bliss List rhythm and make it work for you.

Now that you have your Bliss List put together here are a few ways to put it to good use.

1.       Anniversary Reading – Each anniversary sit down with your mate and read through the list. Or if you’re like me, read the list alone. I read the list alone and remind myself of why I’m happy to be connected to Babe.

2.       Fire Extinguisher – Intense moments of fellowship are inevitable. When your love bank account has taken a hit from a major (or minor) encounter, take some time to reset. Read a few items off of your list until you get to a place of feeling more positive and replenished.

3.       Looking Ahead – Undoubtedly you and your Honey have built an arsenal of memories. Look at your list and determine which items and experiences you’d like to recreate. Do any of your encounters spark an idea of something to try in the future? Go for it.

4.       Just Because – We are bombarded with messaging, positive and negative, throughout our daily lives. Take a moment to intentionally reconnect by sharing an item from your Bliss List unexpectedly. This periodic check-in will serve as a simple, yet thoughtful, indicator to your mate that you don’t take them and the life you’re sharing for granted.