Redefining the 4M Lifestyle

One year ago, I embarked on the journey of building a lifestyle brand dedicated to women achieving levels of authenticity in their various life spaces. And like many other things in my life, my consistency waned. I let you down – my blogs were late, and conversations became shorter, then virtually nonexistent, because I couldn’t figure out how to do it all.  I didn’t know how to handle change, growth and success in the competing areas of my life. More importantly, I hadn’t figured out how to advocate for self and say, “Hey folks, I’m drowning a little bit in the midst of it all”.  

As I thought through what I wanted the next year to look like it was apparent that I needed more than a brand to be sustainable. I need support and accountability. Those are the same things that I hear from many of you in our individual conversations and encounters. So the goal here is changing. We are moving from a brand to a community. We are a community of women striving for authentic living in every area of life – that of mates, mommies, moguls and most importantly ME (who we are when all of the other is stripped away). We provide support and accountability to one another as we continue the journey to authenticity.

The goals for the 2nd year of the 4MLifestyle are to provide:

1.       Consistency – I’m recommitting to having “Live” conversations with you. Screaming kids in the background and all if necessary, because that’s what my life looks like right now. The same for blogs – I want you guys to read what I write, good, bad and indifferent. Writing is a part of who I am, our opinions may differ but that’s part of what makes us grow and be amazing.

2.       Resources and Support – Over the last year, I’ve sprinkled in a few articles and videos here and there. But I want to include more of these resources, even if just for a laugh, to remind you that you are not alone on your journey.

3.       Community – Keyboard courage and social media sometimes interfere with our ability to really connect. I desire for us to get to know one another on a deeper level. If we work together, we can define what support looks like for each of us on our individual journeys and create a safe space for authentic living.

4.       Accountability – We all have dreams and goals, even if we’ve never shared them. Part of authentic living means going after those goals. We’re here to help each other achieve them, even if it’s a simple reminder to “just keep going”.

So Happy Anniversary 4Ms! Will you continue to join me on the journey to building a community of authentic living in every area of our lives?

Just 10 Minutes to Connect with Your Kids

Between school parties, Christmas concerts and other festivities the holidays bring a sense of running to life. It’s important to slow the pace to connect with the kids.  I find that choosing things that don’t emphasize commercial capitalism helps me unplug a little from the rat race. Here are some of the things on our list.

1.       Dance to holiday tunes (or ratchet ones that make you all smile).

2.       Drink a cup of hot chocolate while chatting.

3.       Suggest and create holiday traditions for your family.

4.       Color a picture.

5.       Make holiday cards.

6.       Play a silly game.

7.       Read a book!

What do you and your kids do to connect during the holidays?

Setting & Continuing Thanksgiving Traditions

Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday! I love the great food with unrestricted access. LOL. As a kid, I always wanted to have the movie worthy Thanksgiving celebration, but found that sometimes (most times) real life didn’t work quite that way. Instead, families and friends create their own traditions. Years ago my family introduced a giant Thanksgiving breakfast to “tide us over” until the feast later in the day. It’s one of the things I’ve tried to maintain for my children – making sure there is a huge time of gathering early in the day before all of the guests, visiting and festivities begin to happen. Other traditions for our family include the preparation of many pieces of the meal in the days before Thanksgiving Day. We play games and watch movies after the meal and circle back for ham and pound cake later in the evening. Sweet potato pie and leftover dressing become acceptable breakfast choices in the days that follow. While it may not be like on tv, it is certainly something that we can call ours. More than that, it’s creating memories that my children will have to either continue, add to, or change all together. But it gives them somewhere to start.

What Thanksgiving traditions do you share with your children?

Mommy Balance: 5 Tips to Mom Better

Being a Mom is hard. There, I said it.  Not only is it hard but it literally influences everything you do.  Every decision that you make is filtered through the lens of motherhood (even if unintentionally). Don’t believe me? Let’s see.  If you’re a mom I’d bet you have had one, if not all, of these thoughts at some point:

·         Can’t be too loud having sex, it’ll wake the baby.

·         How far is the daycare/kids’ school in relation to this job?

·         If I go out late with friends tonight, how early will I have to be up early with kids tomorrow?

·         I wish that I could wear that outfit, but I can’t since I’ll have the baby with me.

·         Such and such would be great for dinner but I’d still have to make something different for the kids to enjoy.

I could probably go on or ask you to join it adding to the list. But I won’t instead, I’ll chat a bit about the mom balance. I’ve maintained that when it comes to life, there’s really no such thing as balance. It’s all a mash-up and whatever is pressing most at any given time is what gets the attention. (For example, even if we are at work and get a call from the school, our body is present at work but our minds automatically shift to what’s happening with the child.) It’s been a few months since I left “corporate” and that puts me in a place of regularly being hyper focused on the children. Therefore, I have had to take a more intentional and active role in not letting the mom side of things consistently dominate every aspect of my life. And to be honest, I think I’m better for it.

Here are 5 things that I do to maintain my mojo as a mommy:

1.       Be strategic about the activities that the children participate in (ultimately, I’m the one that’s going to have to drive them there).

2.       Carve out individual time with both of my children.

3.       Connect with other moms with children of similar ages.

4.       Play!

5.       Ask for help and take breaks.

Talking Black

Parenting is a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be. Add the current socio-political climate, and it's downright cringeworthy and complicated.

During my pregnancy last year I cried many tears after learning I was carrying my son not for any other reason than knowing life for him would be hard on the outside of me and all I could do was prepare him. I'd been able skate by raising our daughter in a very diverse manner and even attempted the risk of making her "color blind". How silly of me! Neither she nor my son can afford that disservice on account of my comfort, or lack thereof. I turned to some in my network and asked some things about parenting black kids in America right now. Here are some of the things they shared:

Raising Black kids in America is…

·         Scary

·         Potentially deadly with no retribution

·         Emotional - the emotion of pride and fear of retaliation towards your child.

·         A blessing but also a full-time job because you have to teach them things you never in your wildest dreams thought you would need to teach in 2017.

·         What keeps us honest and alert about our past and uncompromising for the promise of their future.

But how does one talk to their children about celebrating blackness and welcoming diversity when the world is screaming division, hatred and prejudice? How do we share harsh, cruel realities without crushing their existence, aspirations for greatness and tainting their innocence? More importantly, how do we share the truth in love without creating a breeding ground of fear?

Audio by Nina Simone performing To Be Young, Gifted and Black. (C) 2013 Sony Music Entertainment

I haven't mastered talking with my kids but here are a few tips I've found to be helpful in talking with our beloved babies about Blackness and diversity:

1.       Be honest and truthful. Our kids can’t afford to not know the truth and its potential impacts on them (positive and negative).

2.       Don't hide your emotions. But don't let your emotions overwhelm the conversations either. Our children deserve to see how emotions work and to learn how to process and express theirs in a healthy way.

3.       Read. As a writer, former teacher and mom, I find books to be an amazing springboard for conversations, especially on difficult topics.

4.       Expose them to opportunities. Whenever possible, expose children to a variety of opportunities. Take them to places where Black excellence is full-throttle. Show them spaces “of privilege” where they might be the ONLY one.

5.       Be proud and self-confident. We are our babies’ first teachers. How can we instill a sense of pride, confidence and belonging, when we fail to recognize and accept it within ourselves.

I'd love to hear your ways of discussing Blackness and diversity with your kids. 

I do not own the rights to this music or video.

Juneteenth & Justice: A Parenting Quandary

I wanted to share Juneteenth with my children, because we are working in the space of making sure they are confident and courageous in the brown skin they are in. I’ve never really celebrated Juneteenth, but I’ve acknowledged it. However, this year was different in my awareness. “152 years”, “#Juneteenth” and similar sentiments peppered my social media timelines. Maybe it was the newness of the Philando Castile verdict just three days before; maybe it was the recent political climate, or the surge in public coverage of the brutal silencing of our Black voices and systematic targeting to eliminate our future – whatever it was, somehow freedom didn’t feel so free this year. I was deep in my feelings about it all and chose not to share with my children. I chose not to share it because I want them to be able to shape their own opinions on knowledge and information that they receive. I want them to be open, think critically and solve problems without the influence of my overly sensitive, pinned up too long sadness, frustration and anger spewing out irrepressibly.  I want them to be wise and aware, but I also want them to be able to trek freely in many diverse settings.

My daughter is preparing for kindergarten and is enamored with all things school related right now. She’s regurgitating every ounce of knowledge (and her interpretations) to her younger brother. Today was no different, except the subject was “The Pledge of Allegiance”.  She shared the lines pausing for him to repeat her in baby babble. After “liberty and justice for all” she stopped and asked, “Mama what is justice?”.  I hesitated under the weight of everything happening in our country right now.  I struggled with fears of overcomplicating things pushed against the severe havoc of oversimplifying them. “It’s wrong things being made right; it’s fairness,” I finally answered hoping that she wouldn’t continue her line of questioning. Not because I didn’t want her to know, but because I didn’t want to overwhelm her with my pain. She proceeded to ask me if an example from a particular movie was justice happening and moved on to her next wave of energetic thought. Meanwhile, I was left to examine my response. Were the lump in my throat, knot in my belly and nauseating anxiety a result of the day before being Juneteenth and wallowing in my feelings about that? Was the internal turbulence I was feeling a result of the constant media reel spewing out daily injustice towards people of color? Was it my nerves because I was Driving While Black? Was it a sense of betrayal and guilt because I was in that very moment driving her to a whiter side of town for a camp experience? It was all of it. I’ve always said that parenting is hard, but today it is especially hard. It was hard because I just don’t know how to be with my feelings and process them for little people. It was hard because I am wounded and raw emotionally and don’t want to infect them. It was hard because my daughter is proudly reciting an untruth, and I’m not sure how to correct it. “Liberty and justice for all” is subjective; she and my son are not on the favorable side of the bias. As a parent, I want to be both a shield and guide. Truth is, right now, I just don’t know how.

A Place to Belong

(Originally Penned October 2016)

A day or so ago I expressed to a friend that I was feeling insecure about my friendships changing again with the 2nd pregnancy because not many in my circle have kids, let alone two.

Last night I went to a gathering because I wanted/needed to be social. And I didn't fit in 1) I was exhausted, and 2) I had the kidlet with me so needed to check periodically on her. Between my frequent bathroom breaks, inability to sip wine and absence of voice I felt thoroughly out of place in a setting in which I once would have thrived. 

Then today I went to see my two best girlfriends and didn't fit there either. They're both enjoying a carefree lifestyle without the responsibility of kids. Because I had mine with me I had to cut my end of the hangout short in exchange for bedtimeroutine. Our conversations were censored and often interrupted. It felt forced.

Just yesterday I read a brilliantly penned article by a mom of two on her conclusion that being just a mom right now is enough. And I loved her truth and identified with her transparency. But if I'm honest with myself I have to say that it's not enough. It doesn't match who I am and what I need right now. It doesn't feel good. If it's this hard before number 2 arrives, I'm terrified of the after effects.

I've found temporary solace in the musings and occasional interactions with other parents in the world of social media. But bc it's not tangible, it doesn't seem real. 

So today I'm admittedly a wanderer and that's okay for now. I will stumble upon belonging if I just keep walking.

Preparing a Financial Foundation for Our Children’s Future: 4 Key Take-aways from a Financial Smarty Pants

Years ago my husband told me that I wanted people to pay me for my professional services and knowledge, likewise, I should return the favor and pay people for their expertise. As I plan to leave a financial legacy for my children, I heeded his advice (shhh…don’t tell him) and sought out someone smarter than me on the subject. Enter, Latrisa Pugh, founder of the Educational Cash Flow Youth Program and the brains behind the blog Makes Cents. My approach was wide open – “Hey lady, how do I save a substantial amount of money for my kids’ future?” Apparently, I was a bit too broad in my request. However, she was patient and walked me through a more streamlined process. Here are a few nuggets that I picked up along the way (and obtained permission to share).

1.       Ask Questions First

·         What is the goal? Be specific.

·         How do you want to do that? There are many ways to approach it. What options have you heard of and explored?

·         Where does your family currently stand in regards to finances? You must ensure that you’re good in your current state before saving yourself poor for the children’s future. No sense in paying for your kids to go to college if you don’t have your own later life provisions in place.

·         Where/how are you currently spending your money? Bills are predictable so where’s the rest going.

2.       Make a Budget

·         Make a monthly budget.

·         Write down the bill due dates and pay periods BEFORE you get paid.

·         Set aside at least an hour and think of all possible expenses (bills and seemingly random).

·         Give every penny a place to go.

·         Put savings in the budget.

3.       Create an emergency fund.

·         This should be 3-6 months of expenses.

4.       Tackle Debt & Savings

·         Create a plan to pay down your debts.

·         Move your savings somewhere you can’t look at it daily and have to make a little effort to make a withdrawal.

I was so excited about creating a massive master plan for my kids. I anticipated some highly involved investment into some savings plan to get started. But the truth is, it was much simpler than that. It turns out that, creating a plan for your own financial stability is the best foundation you can create for your kids’ financial legacy. You are their first teacher on finances, and they learn most by observation. Do you have an attitude at certain times of the month that is not attached to your hormones? Are you reckless with your spending? Does stress accompany you on every store visit? Finances used to be a major stressor for me because I lacked knowledge. However, admitting my shortcomings and seeking advice from knowledgeable sources has empowered me to know better. When I know better, I do better. And when I do better, I am better.

To get started, pop-on over to Latrisa’s blog and subscribe. She’s currently in a series on Managing Debt. No this isn’t a paid plug, it’s literally me being generous and not keeping the knowledge and freedom to myself. I want you to live authentically in your finances too. Remember, authenticity in EVERY area of life is what it’s all about.

LOVE = T.I.M.E.

Our children interpret love in their own way. It’s spelled TIME. When we spend time with them, they are convinced of our love for them. As they learn love from us, they are able to more readily recognize and give love in their own contexts.  Here are a few ways to show love to your kids:

T-

·         Talk to them.

·         Take time out from your regular routine to spend uninterrupted with them.

·         Take a detour route home and enjoy the adventure.

I –

·         Inquire about things that are important to them.

·         Identify the things you love about them.

·         Implement a weekly or monthly activity.

M –

·         Make memories together.

·         Go on a Make-Believe Mission.

·         Master a new skill.

E –

·         Exercise together.

·         Explore a new place.

·         Experiment with food or an activity.

Are there any activities that your children particularly enjoy?

One Diaper Bag Must Have

Being a new parent you want to be prepared. You look up the lists and get recommendations from friends on what should be in your diaper bag for outings with your newborns and infants. You finally get up the courage to go more than 10 minutes away from the house for longer than a 20 minute outing and it happens… The dreaded exploding diaper with shit running up your baby’s back and down their tiny leg is happening. Thank heavens you brought 6 extra diapers, two additional outfits, the plastic changing pad and an entire container of wipes! Crisis averted, your baby is clean and the exploding diaper has been removed from the scene. The problem now? You didn’t have not one change of clothes in the bag for yourself. So now to face the drippings that made it onto your shirt or bottoms. You scrub feverishly but the smell still slightly lingers and now you have wet patches all over your clothes from the attempts to clean yourself up. Where are you going like that? 

I’m your partner and friend in parenting helping you overcome some of the challenges. So with that, I am telling you in advance, your diaper bag needs to contain at least a fresh shirt for yourself. It’s easier to cover a few splotches on your bottoms with a well-positioned bag or stroller. But that shirt action? Everyone sees it coming. And though most people will see the baby and make the connection, it still doesn’t save you the embarrassment. So as you carefully roll, stuff, stack and pack that bulging diaper bag, don’t forget to tuck away a plastic bag for the soiled items (that you choose not to throw away) and a clean shirt for yourself.