Redefining the 4M Lifestyle

One year ago, I embarked on the journey of building a lifestyle brand dedicated to women achieving levels of authenticity in their various life spaces. And like many other things in my life, my consistency waned. I let you down – my blogs were late, and conversations became shorter, then virtually nonexistent, because I couldn’t figure out how to do it all.  I didn’t know how to handle change, growth and success in the competing areas of my life. More importantly, I hadn’t figured out how to advocate for self and say, “Hey folks, I’m drowning a little bit in the midst of it all”.  

As I thought through what I wanted the next year to look like it was apparent that I needed more than a brand to be sustainable. I need support and accountability. Those are the same things that I hear from many of you in our individual conversations and encounters. So the goal here is changing. We are moving from a brand to a community. We are a community of women striving for authentic living in every area of life – that of mates, mommies, moguls and most importantly ME (who we are when all of the other is stripped away). We provide support and accountability to one another as we continue the journey to authenticity.

The goals for the 2nd year of the 4MLifestyle are to provide:

1.       Consistency – I’m recommitting to having “Live” conversations with you. Screaming kids in the background and all if necessary, because that’s what my life looks like right now. The same for blogs – I want you guys to read what I write, good, bad and indifferent. Writing is a part of who I am, our opinions may differ but that’s part of what makes us grow and be amazing.

2.       Resources and Support – Over the last year, I’ve sprinkled in a few articles and videos here and there. But I want to include more of these resources, even if just for a laugh, to remind you that you are not alone on your journey.

3.       Community – Keyboard courage and social media sometimes interfere with our ability to really connect. I desire for us to get to know one another on a deeper level. If we work together, we can define what support looks like for each of us on our individual journeys and create a safe space for authentic living.

4.       Accountability – We all have dreams and goals, even if we’ve never shared them. Part of authentic living means going after those goals. We’re here to help each other achieve them, even if it’s a simple reminder to “just keep going”.

So Happy Anniversary 4Ms! Will you continue to join me on the journey to building a community of authentic living in every area of our lives?

Just 10 Minutes to Connect with Your Spouse

The holidays come fast and furious from work, to family to everything else in between. We find ourselves in close quarters with our spouses because suddenly we have time off. Or we’re the opposite and find ourselves detached working overtime trying to close out the year or running to complete tasks for holiday commitments. Regardless of your positioning, it is imperative that you take 10 minutes per day to connect with your spouse in the haste and hurry of the holidays. Here are some things to try:

1.       Send a text or message (not related to tasks/honey do lists).

2.       Write a quick gratitude list.

3.       Dance to your favorite holiday tunes.

4.       Share a devotional.

5.       Watch a television show, YouTube video or quirky commercial. Shower together (that’s uninterrupted talk time AND you’re getting clean, because efficiency).

6.       Walk or ride around the neighborhood.

What’s on your list?

Relational Gratitude

As time passes, it’s easy to become content in where you are and what you have. I find this to be especially true in marriage. As we enter the season of Thanksgiving and holiday celebration, I try to be mindful of this, not just from the perspective of “happy to have him” but really from the place of growth and experience together. I try to focus in on the little things that I am grateful for regarding my relationship with my husband. I work towards being especially mindful of the things that I may overlook or take for granted on a regular basis. This allows me to serve, prepare and engage in the season from a place of love and gratitude.

Many years ago, before we were married, he asked me to take one of my off days during the week of Thanksgiving to help his mother prep for the holiday. I was NOT interested, for many reasons. But I did it because he asked me to. The day turned out better than I anticipated if for no other reason than the joy and gratitude that he expressed for me taking that time with his mom.

What I’m learning more and more is that when there is a foundation of genuine gratitude and appreciation, relationships thrive. Yes, love is important, but it’s not the whole. Thanksgiving says “I see you”, “I recognize your efforts”, “I appreciate your engagement”. Nothing says love like a great big “Thank You”.

When was the last time that you expressed gratitude and thanksgiving to and for your spouse?

Cuffing & Committed

It’s cuffing season. Yes, it’s a thing. And yes, I indulged in my single life. Honestly, it was my hubby that I’d get cozy with during the colder months. But once you’re married, is cuffing still a thing? I think that I’ve shared before that forever seems like a really long time, but taking it one day at a time helps us get there. I am a firm believer that the same thing it took to get your spouse is the same thing (and more) that it will take to maintain the relationship. As I looked online, there are a number of resources and diagrams about cuffing season and how to prep and survive. I thought I’d add my two cents on cozying up to your long-term partner.

1.       Dress the Part – During cuffing season, everyone is trying to look their best. Ladies are rocking their boots and guys are getting their #beardgame strong. Unfortunately, when we’re married it becomes easy to fall into the mundane, “take me as I am”, “he knows what I look like”, “this is my everyday mom uniform”. So I am challenging myself, and you, to look the part during this cuffing season. Remind him of one of the reasons why he stopped and cuddled up in the first place.

2.       Create a Playlist – Years ago there were a few playlists created just for cuffing season. (I know I laughed too.) But really music is the soundtrack of life and there is nothing better than feel good music to keep the twinkle in your eyes shining bright. Whether you create one together or one that sets you up to be in the mood for cozying up, make a list. I’m adding Tank’s Savage to my line up.

3.       Plan & Do Something – Break up the monotony of your daily relationship routine by seeking, planning and DOING something fun over the next few months. Part of the fun in cuffing when single was exploring new things with your partner. Make your dates different, try something new. Shared, new experiences have been proven to deepen relationships. We already have a concert on our upcoming list (now to find a babysitter!).

How will you cozy up to your spouse during this cuffing season?

Maintaining Us

To say that it has been crazy in our world would probably be the understatement of the year. Hubby and I have welcomed a new baby, transitioned me from full-time work outside of the home and our oldest started kindergarten. Needless to say figuring it all out has been a major challenge. Yes, there has been a strain on our routine, there’s been an impact on our finances, but the greatest aftershocks have been felt in how all of these changes affect our relationship.  Our relationship has never been easy, but it was very predictable. Now it seems scattered and tired – in a constant state of surviving. After deciding that this was not the way we wanted, or could stand, to live we’re working diligently to maintain us. Here are of the things we’ve done recently to help us stay the course:

1.       Schedule weekly down time. We come and go. We work hard. We’ve started carving out time each Monday night to watch a half hour show together. (Currently, Insecure is everything.) We put the kids to bed, grab a drink/snacks, turn off the phones and just watch tv. It sounds insanely simple, because it is. But it is so good for us. It gives us a chance to press pause on our hectic lives and responsibilities without the pressure of making it a big deal. We always close the show with a conversation before jumping back into our routines. It’s only about an hour, but it’s ours.

2.       Get out of the house! When we were married we chatted of fears about growing old sitting on the couch. Then we had kids and found ourselves sitting on the couch and dozing off. This became the norm because either because it was too much trouble to pack babies and their necessities or we were too exhausted from the earlier days and weeks of effort. Now we GO! I update the family calendar with possible activities and keep a running list in my head of kid friendly restaurants (with good drinks). And although we have hired babysitters before so that we can sleep, we have become very intentional about making and scheduling dates outside of the house too.

3.       No kid talk. When we go on dates or have “us time”. We do not talk about the kids! They can’t consume our entire existence and the context of our relationship. There are plenty of other hours in the day when you can tackle parenting and swap funny stories.

Rooftop Fun #NoKidZone

4.       Use first names. As Mommy and Daddy, we spend a lot of time in that capacity – we call each other that when speaking to the kids. The kids’ friends call us Z’s mom. Our families say “take this to your Mom; ask your dad about that”.  So when it’s just us we try to use our first names. It signals to each of us that we still recognize and connect with the individual.

5.       Laugh. Stress will eat away at happiness and before long you wake up and wonder when was the last time we laughed TOGETHER. We’ve been adding the humor back to our relationship, whether a ridiculous meme on social media or some crazy story we need  gut-jumping laughter in our marriage.

Maintaining us takes being intentional and somewhat selfish. Our family started with just us. Our kids will grow up one day and again it’ll be just us. I’d like to know him and LIKE him then too. How are you and your mate maintaining your relationship with all of life’s changes and responsibilities?

8 Things I've Learned in 8 Years of Marriage

Today marks 8 years that I have been married. I’ll be honest and say there were many days, I wasn’t so sure about this marriage thing. But God. The number eight in spiritual terms represents new beginnings. So here I am celebrating our new beginning by sharing eight things I’ve learned, that I’ll take with me in the regeneration of our union.

1.       Marriage is not about love so much as it is about commitment. Yes, love plays a part, but love is a feeling, and our feelings change. (Sure, we could probably get all extra deep and argue that love is also an action – but it’s unnecessary right now. I’m in my happy place.) I wholeheartedly believe that marriage is a commitment. It is a commitment to our word and our intentions. The commitment is to say “yes, I do” daily to that one person. The commitment is choosing that person over and over again. The commitment is to the belief that you are better together than apart with that individual.

2.       Making marriage work is a choice. What does “marriage takes work” really mean? Work is defined as mental and physical activity done to achieve a purpose or result. This means that we can’t just go through the motions of being married, but we must lend mental space (i.e. thought, intention, focus) to it too. Many different things are vying for our attention and presence. However, we have the power to choose our thoughts and the choice to prioritize what gets our action.

3.       Marriage is an exercise in faith. Sure, I’ll commit the rest of my unknown life here on earth to you – one individual, as flawed as me. [Did you read that in your cynical, sarcastic voice? 😊] Faith teaches us to believe in/for things that we can’t see. We cannot see or know the number of our days. We don’t know what challenges we’ll face or the hurdles that we’ll overcome. Marriage is an exercise that declares, “This difficulty isn’t an ending to our relationship” and “I believe that we will continue to overcome together”.

4.       I can be a “good wife” but if I’m not good to my husband, it doesn’t matter. I have received praise for the efforts in my role of being a wife. However, if I’m not good to my husband, then, who is the effort benefitting? I have to be the wife MY husband needs.

5.       Things change. This has been a hard one for me. What worked for us in the beginning is not what works now. We have evolved individually and collectively, therefore our relationship must shift to accommodate the evolution. Acknowledging the changes and candidly speaking about them rather than avoiding them helps build better relationships.

6.       Prayer works. We are told to pray without ceasing. I’m guilty of just praying in the hard times. But I have found that praying throughout all seasons leaves us in a better space. It puts me in a place of deciding which things should be a shared burden and which things should just be laid at the altar. Doing this allows me to not overburden him or expect outcomes that aren’t his responsibility.

7.       Being fruitful is not just about kids. As couples, we must plant – plant in our relationship, our families, our work, etc. We must also understand that the harvest happens in seasons. 

8.       Clearly defined goals are necessary. We just wanted to live happily ever after. Taking the time to define what that looks like and setting goals for getting there is essential.

Words That Impact Marriages

When getting married our reasoning is usually something like “we’re really in love” or “we want to take our relationship to the next level”. However, once we cross over into marriage a couple of things are to be considered – (1) love is there, but it takes work to maintain those loving feelings and (2) marriage can be seen as the final stage of a relationship. Yes, we add children and later grandchildren, but the relationship between the two individuals, that’s it. Most of us get married aiming to not be with anyone else. We are partnering with the person that we hope to spend the rest of our lives with. [Can I take a transparency break and acknowledge how scary that commitment sounds to me considering that I intend to live a long life? Eek!] And in spending a lifetime with someone we become creatures of habit and live life in cycles. Our spouses are predictable and our lives become routine. We are talking to the same person day in and day out and those conversations follow a pattern. We wake in the morning and say “I love you”. We exchange the sentiment again as we part ways, and once more as we prepare to rest for the night. The in between is filled with chatter of our day, responsibilities and if we’re lucky, a bit of laughter and daydreaming too. But what if there was a way to create a brief marriage battery boost? I’m thinking along the lines of changing our dialogue to acknowledge, encourage and inspire our mates. A few words inserted to change the course of routine that remind them that they still do it for you and vice versa. Some phrases to insert into your marriage vocabulary beyond “I love you” are:

1.       Thank you.

2.       I support you.

3.       I trust you.

4.       I respect you.

5.       I appreciate you.

6.       I think you’re…

7.       You inspire me.

8.       You can…

9.       You are…

10.   I believe in you.

11.   I believe in your ability to…

12.   How can I help you accomplish…?

13.   What do you need from me today?

14.   I’m available to you.

15.   I feel most connected to you when…

16.   The last time we… it was…

17.   Your touch makes me feel…

18.   I’m attracted to your…

19.   I still want you.

20.   I still choose you.

Keep variety in your vocabulary so that the pulse of your love beats strong. May your voice ever be in the ear of your love, and not in the nagging way. 😉

10 Ways to Leave a Legacy with Your Spouse

Some people will tell you that marriage is about love. I challenge that notion severely. Marriage is about commitment – to your word, each other and your cause. In many ways marriage can be seen as a business, very similar to a corporate merger. As corporations grow, the leadership put together succession and scalability plans. Our succession and scalability as couples lie in our ability to leave a legacy, whether for our children, family or community. Often times that word ‘legacy’ seems really daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are 10 ways that you and your spouse can begin building your legacy:

1.       Provide a family history. Help the generations behind you know where they came from, even if the tree starts with you two due to unknowns beyond your control.

2.       Start a savings account for your children. College costs. Starting a business costs. Traveling costs. Moving out of your house costs. Everything costs. Don’t make them start from scratch.

3.       Give the gift of financial literacy. Talk to your children (and family/community) about finances, early on.  If they’re older, talk them about it NOW!

4.       Secure life insurance for yourself – and I’m not talking about just enough to cover the funeral expenses. You don’t have to be selfish unto death! Leave a little extra money for those that are mourning your loss. After all, they’re likely going to have to suffer through planning your celebration of life AND deal with all the random drama that arises when people die.

5.       Buy property. No, not shoes and clothes. Actual property, land, something with a deed that appreciates in value. Trust me, your loved ones will appreciate you for it later (unless of course you fail to leave your paperwork in order and the property has to be probated but that’s a different blog for a different day).

6.       Purchase stocks and bonds that can be passed down and later cashed in.

7.       Sponsor a community event annually. Partner with a local organization and put your money and name where your mouth is if need be.

8.       Donate books and resources to a local community center. Make it a regular show of support.

9.       Create a scholarship fund in your name at your local high school. You can maintain $250 a year skip eating out once every other week and it’s done! It doesn’t have to be much, just enough to make a difference and start leaving a legacy.

10.   Become a mentor. Don’t keep all your knowledge to yourself. Spend time with someone. Influence them to know better, do better, be better. Encourage them to return the favor and keep giving the gift of mentorship.

As a couple, you’re here to do more than just keep each other warm. You came together to do something, so do it! Leaving a legacy doesn’t have to be difficult. Start small and snowball it into something larger.  You’ve got this! Now go, be great as a couple!

Love Bank Activity: Bliss List

We each have a love bank. Similar to an actual bank account it requires regular deposits to grow. If the withdrawals exceed the deposit amounts we are left empty and often with other consequences. In order to avoid these deficits in our relationships, it is necessary to make consistent deposits into our mate’s love bank. Likewise, we are also responsible for making deposits into our own love banks. The Bliss List covers both.

The Bliss List concept is a two-fold deposit. It credits your mate for deposits while also giving you something to draw from as well. The Bliss List is simple and executed just as the name implies. Make a list of all of the blissful moments you’ve had with your mate. If the thought of it makes you smile, no matter how small, add it! With this exercise you’ll realize (hopefully) that there are more occurrences of joy than you may typically give credit for. The Bliss List offers perspective and illuminates things that we may take for granted. For instance, my Bliss List includes something as monumental as the time Babe drove 3 hours to spend the last hour of a day with me. But it also includes something as simple as us confessing that we’ve used each other’s deodorant before. (I’m smiling extra hard at that one. LOL.)  The Bliss List should celebrate the goodness of your partner and highlight the joy you feel when you all are engaged with one another.

Your Bliss List is a growing document. Set aside time to add to it. You may do this once a year on a special anniversary, quarterly or monthly. In fact, you may be one of those people with the capacity to keep it regularly updated as things happen – If that’s the case, go you! Whatever your approach, just be sure to find your Bliss List rhythm and make it work for you.

Now that you have your Bliss List put together here are a few ways to put it to good use.

1.       Anniversary Reading – Each anniversary sit down with your mate and read through the list. Or if you’re like me, read the list alone. I read the list alone and remind myself of why I’m happy to be connected to Babe.

2.       Fire Extinguisher – Intense moments of fellowship are inevitable. When your love bank account has taken a hit from a major (or minor) encounter, take some time to reset. Read a few items off of your list until you get to a place of feeling more positive and replenished.

3.       Looking Ahead – Undoubtedly you and your Honey have built an arsenal of memories. Look at your list and determine which items and experiences you’d like to recreate. Do any of your encounters spark an idea of something to try in the future? Go for it.

4.       Just Because – We are bombarded with messaging, positive and negative, throughout our daily lives. Take a moment to intentionally reconnect by sharing an item from your Bliss List unexpectedly. This periodic check-in will serve as a simple, yet thoughtful, indicator to your mate that you don’t take them and the life you’re sharing for granted.