Juneteenth & Justice: A Parenting Quandary

I wanted to share Juneteenth with my children, because we are working in the space of making sure they are confident and courageous in the brown skin they are in. I’ve never really celebrated Juneteenth, but I’ve acknowledged it. However, this year was different in my awareness. “152 years”, “#Juneteenth” and similar sentiments peppered my social media timelines. Maybe it was the newness of the Philando Castile verdict just three days before; maybe it was the recent political climate, or the surge in public coverage of the brutal silencing of our Black voices and systematic targeting to eliminate our future – whatever it was, somehow freedom didn’t feel so free this year. I was deep in my feelings about it all and chose not to share with my children. I chose not to share it because I want them to be able to shape their own opinions on knowledge and information that they receive. I want them to be open, think critically and solve problems without the influence of my overly sensitive, pinned up too long sadness, frustration and anger spewing out irrepressibly.  I want them to be wise and aware, but I also want them to be able to trek freely in many diverse settings.

My daughter is preparing for kindergarten and is enamored with all things school related right now. She’s regurgitating every ounce of knowledge (and her interpretations) to her younger brother. Today was no different, except the subject was “The Pledge of Allegiance”.  She shared the lines pausing for him to repeat her in baby babble. After “liberty and justice for all” she stopped and asked, “Mama what is justice?”.  I hesitated under the weight of everything happening in our country right now.  I struggled with fears of overcomplicating things pushed against the severe havoc of oversimplifying them. “It’s wrong things being made right; it’s fairness,” I finally answered hoping that she wouldn’t continue her line of questioning. Not because I didn’t want her to know, but because I didn’t want to overwhelm her with my pain. She proceeded to ask me if an example from a particular movie was justice happening and moved on to her next wave of energetic thought. Meanwhile, I was left to examine my response. Were the lump in my throat, knot in my belly and nauseating anxiety a result of the day before being Juneteenth and wallowing in my feelings about that? Was the internal turbulence I was feeling a result of the constant media reel spewing out daily injustice towards people of color? Was it my nerves because I was Driving While Black? Was it a sense of betrayal and guilt because I was in that very moment driving her to a whiter side of town for a camp experience? It was all of it. I’ve always said that parenting is hard, but today it is especially hard. It was hard because I just don’t know how to be with my feelings and process them for little people. It was hard because I am wounded and raw emotionally and don’t want to infect them. It was hard because my daughter is proudly reciting an untruth, and I’m not sure how to correct it. “Liberty and justice for all” is subjective; she and my son are not on the favorable side of the bias. As a parent, I want to be both a shield and guide. Truth is, right now, I just don’t know how.

8 Things I've Learned in 8 Years of Marriage

Today marks 8 years that I have been married. I’ll be honest and say there were many days, I wasn’t so sure about this marriage thing. But God. The number eight in spiritual terms represents new beginnings. So here I am celebrating our new beginning by sharing eight things I’ve learned, that I’ll take with me in the regeneration of our union.

1.       Marriage is not about love so much as it is about commitment. Yes, love plays a part, but love is a feeling, and our feelings change. (Sure, we could probably get all extra deep and argue that love is also an action – but it’s unnecessary right now. I’m in my happy place.) I wholeheartedly believe that marriage is a commitment. It is a commitment to our word and our intentions. The commitment is to say “yes, I do” daily to that one person. The commitment is choosing that person over and over again. The commitment is to the belief that you are better together than apart with that individual.

2.       Making marriage work is a choice. What does “marriage takes work” really mean? Work is defined as mental and physical activity done to achieve a purpose or result. This means that we can’t just go through the motions of being married, but we must lend mental space (i.e. thought, intention, focus) to it too. Many different things are vying for our attention and presence. However, we have the power to choose our thoughts and the choice to prioritize what gets our action.

3.       Marriage is an exercise in faith. Sure, I’ll commit the rest of my unknown life here on earth to you – one individual, as flawed as me. [Did you read that in your cynical, sarcastic voice? 😊] Faith teaches us to believe in/for things that we can’t see. We cannot see or know the number of our days. We don’t know what challenges we’ll face or the hurdles that we’ll overcome. Marriage is an exercise that declares, “This difficulty isn’t an ending to our relationship” and “I believe that we will continue to overcome together”.

4.       I can be a “good wife” but if I’m not good to my husband, it doesn’t matter. I have received praise for the efforts in my role of being a wife. However, if I’m not good to my husband, then, who is the effort benefitting? I have to be the wife MY husband needs.

5.       Things change. This has been a hard one for me. What worked for us in the beginning is not what works now. We have evolved individually and collectively, therefore our relationship must shift to accommodate the evolution. Acknowledging the changes and candidly speaking about them rather than avoiding them helps build better relationships.

6.       Prayer works. We are told to pray without ceasing. I’m guilty of just praying in the hard times. But I have found that praying throughout all seasons leaves us in a better space. It puts me in a place of deciding which things should be a shared burden and which things should just be laid at the altar. Doing this allows me to not overburden him or expect outcomes that aren’t his responsibility.

7.       Being fruitful is not just about kids. As couples, we must plant – plant in our relationship, our families, our work, etc. We must also understand that the harvest happens in seasons. 

8.       Clearly defined goals are necessary. We just wanted to live happily ever after. Taking the time to define what that looks like and setting goals for getting there is essential.

A Place to Belong

(Originally Penned October 2016)

A day or so ago I expressed to a friend that I was feeling insecure about my friendships changing again with the 2nd pregnancy because not many in my circle have kids, let alone two.

Last night I went to a gathering because I wanted/needed to be social. And I didn't fit in 1) I was exhausted, and 2) I had the kidlet with me so needed to check periodically on her. Between my frequent bathroom breaks, inability to sip wine and absence of voice I felt thoroughly out of place in a setting in which I once would have thrived. 

Then today I went to see my two best girlfriends and didn't fit there either. They're both enjoying a carefree lifestyle without the responsibility of kids. Because I had mine with me I had to cut my end of the hangout short in exchange for bedtimeroutine. Our conversations were censored and often interrupted. It felt forced.

Just yesterday I read a brilliantly penned article by a mom of two on her conclusion that being just a mom right now is enough. And I loved her truth and identified with her transparency. But if I'm honest with myself I have to say that it's not enough. It doesn't match who I am and what I need right now. It doesn't feel good. If it's this hard before number 2 arrives, I'm terrified of the after effects.

I've found temporary solace in the musings and occasional interactions with other parents in the world of social media. But bc it's not tangible, it doesn't seem real. 

So today I'm admittedly a wanderer and that's okay for now. I will stumble upon belonging if I just keep walking.

Words That Impact Marriages

When getting married our reasoning is usually something like “we’re really in love” or “we want to take our relationship to the next level”. However, once we cross over into marriage a couple of things are to be considered – (1) love is there, but it takes work to maintain those loving feelings and (2) marriage can be seen as the final stage of a relationship. Yes, we add children and later grandchildren, but the relationship between the two individuals, that’s it. Most of us get married aiming to not be with anyone else. We are partnering with the person that we hope to spend the rest of our lives with. [Can I take a transparency break and acknowledge how scary that commitment sounds to me considering that I intend to live a long life? Eek!] And in spending a lifetime with someone we become creatures of habit and live life in cycles. Our spouses are predictable and our lives become routine. We are talking to the same person day in and day out and those conversations follow a pattern. We wake in the morning and say “I love you”. We exchange the sentiment again as we part ways, and once more as we prepare to rest for the night. The in between is filled with chatter of our day, responsibilities and if we’re lucky, a bit of laughter and daydreaming too. But what if there was a way to create a brief marriage battery boost? I’m thinking along the lines of changing our dialogue to acknowledge, encourage and inspire our mates. A few words inserted to change the course of routine that remind them that they still do it for you and vice versa. Some phrases to insert into your marriage vocabulary beyond “I love you” are:

1.       Thank you.

2.       I support you.

3.       I trust you.

4.       I respect you.

5.       I appreciate you.

6.       I think you’re…

7.       You inspire me.

8.       You can…

9.       You are…

10.   I believe in you.

11.   I believe in your ability to…

12.   How can I help you accomplish…?

13.   What do you need from me today?

14.   I’m available to you.

15.   I feel most connected to you when…

16.   The last time we… it was…

17.   Your touch makes me feel…

18.   I’m attracted to your…

19.   I still want you.

20.   I still choose you.

Keep variety in your vocabulary so that the pulse of your love beats strong. May your voice ever be in the ear of your love, and not in the nagging way. 😉

7 Tips Towards a Mogul Mindset

“As we think, so are we…”

No truer words have been spoken. What and how we think essentially becomes us. The power of our thoughts influences our speech and our speech creates our world. When is the last time that you did an assessment of your thought process? Does what and how you’re thinking align with what you are seeing in your life? Let’s go a step further: do your thinking habits align with where you’d like to see yourself? In order to develop the mogul lifestyle, we must develop a mogul mindset. By definition, a mogul is an important person with great wealth or power (Cambridge Dictionary -online). Other definitions also include talk of influence. It takes a certain mindset to successfully manage wealth and power.

1.       Get Organized. In order to be effective and influential, there has to be a method to your madness. The more you are organized, the greater your chances of achieving your desired results. You’ll also be able to communicate your ideas better to others.

2.       Believe in yourself. No one else’s belief in you can be greater than that in yourself. There’s not enough motivation in that. If you are not “confident in your competence” then others won’t be either. So go, take a look in the mirror and say “Self, you’ve got this!”.

3.       Shift away from the employee mindset. You’ve got to think like the boss to be the boss, even if you’re not the boss. Employees see their piece of the puzzle where bosses have the full picture in view. The decisions are made based on the panoramic views, not on snapshots.

4.       Be willing to lose sleep.  In being a mogul, you must be willing to lose sleep and make other sacrifices. Remember, that for every yes, you’re saying no to something else. It’s all about making the right trade-off to achieve your goals and still honor your values.

5.       Don’t be afraid to travel some parts of the path alone. Often times the path to success looks very different than those around you. Don’t shrink back from that. Just light your torch and keep moving forward. In order to make a significant impact it may require you to do something unorthodox or unheard of. 

6.       Network and partner strategically. Many times success is not about what you know but more about WHO you know. With this in mind, it is important that you make connections strategically. Every introduction, handshake and electronic information exchange could be the one relationship that you need to achieve your next level of accomplishment. As you’re building, think through the types of people you need on your team and the assets you bring to teams you serve.

7.       Think in terms of scalability and succession. Don’t limit the extent of your success. Instead, work towards ideas and activities that can be scaled larger. Look at the growth potential and pursue those angles rather than those that will likely plateau.  Likewise, don’t dive into your work believing that you can and will be the only one that does it. Plan to grow, train and transfer the elbow-deep details. I’m sure you’ll want to travel and reap the benefits of your efforts. You will also want to leave a legacy behind once you’re gone. You can’t do that if you don’t grow or have a succession plan.

Becoming a mogul starts in the mind. What are you thinking on?

So Many Moving Parts: 10 Ways to Maintain

As a woman, life is often comprised of many moving parts. As a woman in business, of any kind, the number of parts increases exponentially. The sum of all of the moving parts is a machine that accomplishes a goal or completes a task. In order to handle all of those parts successfully it is important to be really clear about the purpose of the machine. You must also be aware of the maintenance necessary to keep the machine operating at its optimum level. Here are a few thoughts that have resonated with me as I maintain the moving parts of being a mogul.

1.       Set specific goals.

2.       Be intentional with every effort.

3.       Stay true to YOUR vision.

4.       Be attentive to the details.

5.       Do not get distracted by the non-essential details.

6.       Do only the things that are essential to the progress of your vision.

7.       Identify areas where you can and should delegate.

8.       Schedule your priorities instead of prioritizing a to-do list.

9.       Consider the impact of your “yes” and “no”.

10.   Stay the course and adjust as necessary.

BONUS: Don’t be afraid to scrap what doesn’t work.

Being a mogul happens in many forms and presents a different evolution for everyone. While some people’s efforts are concentrated in one space, there are others whose hands are extended in several different directions. However, the mindset is still the same.

Preparing a Financial Foundation for Our Children’s Future: 4 Key Take-aways from a Financial Smarty Pants

Years ago my husband told me that I wanted people to pay me for my professional services and knowledge, likewise, I should return the favor and pay people for their expertise. As I plan to leave a financial legacy for my children, I heeded his advice (shhh…don’t tell him) and sought out someone smarter than me on the subject. Enter, Latrisa Pugh, founder of the Educational Cash Flow Youth Program and the brains behind the blog Makes Cents. My approach was wide open – “Hey lady, how do I save a substantial amount of money for my kids’ future?” Apparently, I was a bit too broad in my request. However, she was patient and walked me through a more streamlined process. Here are a few nuggets that I picked up along the way (and obtained permission to share).

1.       Ask Questions First

·         What is the goal? Be specific.

·         How do you want to do that? There are many ways to approach it. What options have you heard of and explored?

·         Where does your family currently stand in regards to finances? You must ensure that you’re good in your current state before saving yourself poor for the children’s future. No sense in paying for your kids to go to college if you don’t have your own later life provisions in place.

·         Where/how are you currently spending your money? Bills are predictable so where’s the rest going.

2.       Make a Budget

·         Make a monthly budget.

·         Write down the bill due dates and pay periods BEFORE you get paid.

·         Set aside at least an hour and think of all possible expenses (bills and seemingly random).

·         Give every penny a place to go.

·         Put savings in the budget.

3.       Create an emergency fund.

·         This should be 3-6 months of expenses.

4.       Tackle Debt & Savings

·         Create a plan to pay down your debts.

·         Move your savings somewhere you can’t look at it daily and have to make a little effort to make a withdrawal.

I was so excited about creating a massive master plan for my kids. I anticipated some highly involved investment into some savings plan to get started. But the truth is, it was much simpler than that. It turns out that, creating a plan for your own financial stability is the best foundation you can create for your kids’ financial legacy. You are their first teacher on finances, and they learn most by observation. Do you have an attitude at certain times of the month that is not attached to your hormones? Are you reckless with your spending? Does stress accompany you on every store visit? Finances used to be a major stressor for me because I lacked knowledge. However, admitting my shortcomings and seeking advice from knowledgeable sources has empowered me to know better. When I know better, I do better. And when I do better, I am better.

To get started, pop-on over to Latrisa’s blog and subscribe. She’s currently in a series on Managing Debt. No this isn’t a paid plug, it’s literally me being generous and not keeping the knowledge and freedom to myself. I want you to live authentically in your finances too. Remember, authenticity in EVERY area of life is what it’s all about.

10 Ways to Leave a Legacy with Your Spouse

Some people will tell you that marriage is about love. I challenge that notion severely. Marriage is about commitment – to your word, each other and your cause. In many ways marriage can be seen as a business, very similar to a corporate merger. As corporations grow, the leadership put together succession and scalability plans. Our succession and scalability as couples lie in our ability to leave a legacy, whether for our children, family or community. Often times that word ‘legacy’ seems really daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are 10 ways that you and your spouse can begin building your legacy:

1.       Provide a family history. Help the generations behind you know where they came from, even if the tree starts with you two due to unknowns beyond your control.

2.       Start a savings account for your children. College costs. Starting a business costs. Traveling costs. Moving out of your house costs. Everything costs. Don’t make them start from scratch.

3.       Give the gift of financial literacy. Talk to your children (and family/community) about finances, early on.  If they’re older, talk them about it NOW!

4.       Secure life insurance for yourself – and I’m not talking about just enough to cover the funeral expenses. You don’t have to be selfish unto death! Leave a little extra money for those that are mourning your loss. After all, they’re likely going to have to suffer through planning your celebration of life AND deal with all the random drama that arises when people die.

5.       Buy property. No, not shoes and clothes. Actual property, land, something with a deed that appreciates in value. Trust me, your loved ones will appreciate you for it later (unless of course you fail to leave your paperwork in order and the property has to be probated but that’s a different blog for a different day).

6.       Purchase stocks and bonds that can be passed down and later cashed in.

7.       Sponsor a community event annually. Partner with a local organization and put your money and name where your mouth is if need be.

8.       Donate books and resources to a local community center. Make it a regular show of support.

9.       Create a scholarship fund in your name at your local high school. You can maintain $250 a year skip eating out once every other week and it’s done! It doesn’t have to be much, just enough to make a difference and start leaving a legacy.

10.   Become a mentor. Don’t keep all your knowledge to yourself. Spend time with someone. Influence them to know better, do better, be better. Encourage them to return the favor and keep giving the gift of mentorship.

As a couple, you’re here to do more than just keep each other warm. You came together to do something, so do it! Leaving a legacy doesn’t have to be difficult. Start small and snowball it into something larger.  You’ve got this! Now go, be great as a couple!

A Few Thoughts on Leaving a Legacy

I think about death. Not in a scary way but in a “what’s on the other side” way. Yes, I believe I’ll go to heaven but what will be left of me here on Earth. Will I leave a mark? Will it be known that I was here? That’s what I think about.

I’ve had the honor of helping to write the last words about some loved ones over the last few years. I’ll admit, it was HARD. I questioned whether I was writing the right thing. Did I capture the essence of who they were and the work that they did adequately? And the truth of the matter is that it would have been so much easier if they’d told me what to say. J

So many times we as women walk around as representatives of ourselves. We morph into various roles so much so that when the real us shows up, she’s foreign. And I wonder about the mark our representative is leaving. There’s been a lot of talk and thought around me about legacy. But the true question is, are we creating our own legacy or is someone else creating it for us. Here are 5 things to think about as you consider your legacy track:

1.       When people encounter me, is it really me or a representative?

2.       Is what I’m doing helpful to someone else? Or, my greatest contribution to humanity thus far has been?

3.       If I leave this earth today am I certain that I have tapped and emptied my talent veins? I have done my best with everything I have been given?

4.       Complete the phrase: When people think of me, I hope they remember…

5.       Fill in the blank: The person(s) that live with me will say _____ about me.

I am here and full. Full of life, gifts, talents and treasures. I’ve been selfish – bending under the guise of being overwhelmed. But I mustn’t break and fail to produce. I am compelled, no obligated to explore the bounds of my creative output. I want to be empty – totally poured out. Sharing and giving – leaving a mark of meaning on all that I encounter.

But Do I Love It? Questions for Choosing Your Work

Love is a driving factor for many things we do, even the bad choices we make. Those crimes of passion highlighted on dramatic television often include someone who at one point was in love. What would happen if we took that same love and poured it into our businesses and the work that we do day to day? We’ve all heard it before that if we do what we love the money will come. Well that’s true, sort of…

The truth is we must identify what we love and are passionate about then evaluate how it translates to others. What question does what we do answer for them? What problem does our solution solve for them? Once we have a strong understanding of that, we can then use our love to labor at it. Whether you’re in business for yourself, aspiring to be or content as an employee, I want you to love what you do. I want you to wake up daily prepared to fulfill your purpose for that day. I want you to love and own the space that you’re in so much that you can’t help but perform well in your efforts. As we become more consistent in putting our hands to work, our efforts compound yielding the financial rewards. That’s how it works. We work “it” [insert whatever your “it” is] until “it” works for us. Then we do it again and experience growth. After the novelty wears off, sometimes that working gets tiring. It gets mundane. It becomes less than likeable. But like a relationship, we have to determine if we really love it, or if we’re just infatuated. Once we know it’s love then we can continue working knowing that every day won’t be an easy likeable day, but every day is a love day worth working for. Here are some questions to ask in determining your love for “it”

1.       What gets me excited about it?

a.       Is the enthusiasm sustainable, a fad, or likely to turn into something that I hate or tires me out later?

2.       What don’t I like about it?

a.       Can I live with those things knowing that they’ll be a part of the process?

3.       If the money is slow to come, am I willing to be consistent and patient enough to see results?

4.       Is there longevity, stability and scalability in what I’m doing?

a.       Am I capable of the maintenance required?

5.       Does the work align with my core values and beliefs?

6.       Does the outcome of my effort help someone else?